Sharing Template

An easy way to convey your thoughts to your partner.

When sharing challenges, what you say is just as important as how you say it. You want to be honest, but also mindful of your partner’s feelings. Try using the template below: it facilitates candid sharing, but minimizes the risk of seeming hostile or judgemental.

The Sharing Template:
I felt [emotion] when [observation].
I acknowledge [broader context],
but in the future, can we [request]

Here's an example, showing how you might fill-in-the-blanks:

I feel neglected [emotion]
When dirty dishes are left in the sink [observation]
It reminds me of doing dishes as a child—my siblings never helped, which made it feel like my time wasn’t valued as much as theirs [broader context]
In the future, I’ll remind myself that you aren’t intentionally neglecting me or my time, and can you make an effort to put your dishes in the dishwasher? [request]

Simple, right?

This template allows you to express concerns, but without finger-pointing or antagonizing.
Learn more about each component below.

Emotion

Lead with an emotion to anchor the discussion on your experience, rather than your partner’s behavior.

If the first emotion that comes to mind is “anger” or “frustration,” try digging a little deeper—these are often “secondary emotions,” caused by a different, underlying feeling. Try to determine why you’re angry or frustrated: what’s the primary emotion underneath?

Observation

Share an objective observation—without judgement or scorn—to keep the emotional charge low.

Stick to the facts, and be mindful of your tone: delivery makes a big difference. Avoid accusatory or inflammatory language (stay away from “You always X!” or “You never Y!”). Offer enough detail to paint a picture, but don’t belabor the point.

Broader context

Take a wider view of the situation to reinforce that it’s not just your partner creating the challenge.

This can take different forms, but you might:

Acknowledge external factors in your partner’s life—could their job, health challenges, or other obligations explain the observation?
Share the root of your emotion or reaction—where is it coming from? Is it related to something you experienced as a child? Mirroring a challenge that you’re having with a friend, family member, or co-worker?
Identify your own contribution—what was your role in this challenge: could you have done something to avoid it? Did you unintentionally make it worse?

Request

Explore a way to move forward together, identifying what your partner and you can do.

Work together to identify suggestions or ideas that could work for both partners. Be flexible: gauge their reaction, and collaborate to find a solution that feels good for everyone.

Want to learn more?