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Sit down with your partner and talk through the challenges. Be patient. Get curious. Collaborate. Ensure you've read the "Prep" and "Ground" sections before continuing.

Once your session is scheduled, your topics are queued, and you’ve mentally prepared to receive feedback—how should you approach the session? What should you expect?

For starters, it’s normal to feel nervous. There will be sensitive and sometimes uncomfortable topics, so a bit of anxiousness before the session is expected—and may actually be a good thing. It shows that you care, and are willing to challenge yourself to address your and your partner’s needs.

Despite any nerves or trepidation, fortification sessions can be immensely gratifying. When properly run, they’re an intriguing mix of emotion and logic, feeling and fact, art and science. They provide a space to be vulnerable and compassionate. They let you connect with your partner, while simultaneously engaging your problem-solving skills.

But sessions might not go perfectly, especially at first. Emotions can flare up. Someone might become triggered. Conversations can escalate. Just be patient, and try to come back to the practices in this manual. Like any skill, fortification takes time to integrate and effectively apply. It gets easier over time.

Trust that any bumps you encounter are all for the better in the long-run: embracing these slightly uncomfortable conversations on a more frequent basis—in a safe, contained setting—is better than waiting for them to come to a head and explode, likely at an inopportune time (Murphy’s Law, right?). Consider the analogy that it’s better to jump one meter a thousand times, than jump a thousand meters one time.

If things go a little sideways, cut yourself and your partner some slack. Know that future sessions will get easier, and be proud that you invested the time and courage to explore a session!

Session Guardrails

To help keep things on track during the session, we abide by "Session Guardrails"—four simple rules that prevent conversations from getting too charged.

They're mentioned throughout the website, but visit the "Session Guardrails" page for a condensed version: keep it open and keep visible during sessions. You can even politely point to a guardrail if one partner is getting off-track (but get the vibe right when course-correcting: think "gentle reminder" not "criticism" or "opportunity to gloat").

Find the right setting

You should be in a place that feels comfortable and quiet, where you won’t be disturbed. Using the same spot for each session can help establish familiarity and safety (for us, it’s our living room couch). Don’t do it in public. If you have kids that are old enough to fend for themselves, ask them not to disturb you for an hour unless there’s a real emergency. Try to schedule your sessions at a time when they’re usually occupied.

Open the session

Start with a grounding exercise or opening tradition of some kind: a big ol’ hug, a quick meditation, five deep breaths, or a cup of herbal tea. Consider avoiding coffee or anything caffeinated that might overstimulate and make you less calm. Alcohol or other substances that affect judgment or emotional regulation should also be avoided. But find something that creates a separation from everyday life and your session. Five deep breaths is our favorite, in through the nose, out through the mouth.

Lead with the positive

The first topic should be something you appreciated that your partner did, or a piece of gratitude. It doesn’t have to be big: it could be a chore, a small act of kindness, something you did for the kids, an endearing comment you made in front of friends, etc. All the better if it relates to something previously discussed in fortification, something you see your partner actively working on.

Discuss your challenges

Candidly and compassionately share the things you’d like to work on. Take turns: one partner starts, fully explaining their challenge, without being interrupted, then gives the other partner a chance to respond—also uninterrupted. Continue in like fashion until you’re confident the issue is at least understood, if not fully resolved.

As outlined in the “Prep” section, you should already have a sense of the framing and the language you want to use, recorded in the Topic Queue on your phone.

The goal is to express the challenges in a way that your partner can hear, that avoids upsetting, insulting, or triggering them. This is often tricky to do on the spot, which is why it’s important to think through in advance. Before diving into a challenge, note any other circumstances that might have contributed to it, or how you might have contributed—this should also be noted in your Topic Queue ahead of time).

Need help structuring your thoughts? Try the Sharing Template!

Start small!

For your first few sessions, focus on simpler, more manageable challenges.

Both partners should feel accomplished, not overwhelmed. Once you've established the habit and acclimated to the fortification framework, you can begin addressing the bigger, more complicated challenges.

Embrace silence

When responding, take a second to think before speaking: the first thing that comes to mind isn’t necessarily the most accurate, clear, or productive. Extend the same courtesy to your partner—jointly get comfortable with periods of silence.

If it feels awkward just sitting there while your partner thinks, try using silences as an opportunity to check in with yourself: assess how you’re feeling, or focus on gentle breathing for a quick reset. Think of silences as an opportunity to make micro-adjustments that will help the session run more smoothly.

Do not interrupt, ever.

This is essential. Wait until your partner is completely finished speaking, and be absolutely sure of it, before you respond. Sometimes it’ll be frustrating because you’ll want to respond immediately, especially if they said something triggering or contentious. You’ll think: “If I don’t respond right now, I’ll forget!” Fight the urge, and just keep listening.

Trust that if you have something truly important to say, you’ll remember it, and your partner will give you the same opportunity to think and speak when it’s your turn (and if they don’t, gently bring it to their attention—“I gave you the time to speak, and I can give you more later, but right now it’s my turn”). You can even have a notepad handy to jot down a word or two to remember your point—but don’t go crazy writing things down: stay focused and keep listening.

Get genuinely curious

When your partner is finished talking, ask clarifying questions: “What makes you feel that way? Why is that important to you? Can you give me an example?” Ask from a place of true curiosity, ensuring that your questions aren’t simply attacks in disguise. Think of yourself as an archeologist of your partner’s mind, carefully excavating their thoughts and feelings.

Take responsibility

This might seem obvious, but it’s okay to admit that you messed up or could have done better—especially here. Sometimes we’re so invested in protecting our ego, or being ‘right,’ that we resist acknowledging our own faults—even when we know we’re in the wrong. If your partner makes a good point, acknowledge it and own your role.

Explain your perspective

Or, if you feel your actions were justified, calmly explain the reason why, while acknowledging how it could have adversely affected your partner. Keep talking it out (taking turns, without interrupting) until you come to a shared understanding.

Discuss potential solutions

Don’t linger too much in the past—focus instead on how you can improve in the future. It’s helpful for the person sharing the challenge to clearly establish what they would like to be different moving forward. This is called "a request," in the language of Marshall Rosenberg’s nonviolent communication framework (another popular form of conscious communication).

Importantly, a request for change doesn’t have to be accepted as is. Collaborate to find a solution that’ll work for both of you. We like to view ourselves as engineers, building shared understanding and driving toward a solution together.

Once you agree on a solution, either you or your partner might need help implementing it—old habits can be tricky to change. If applicable, ask your partner to gently remind you of the solution when the issue comes up outside the fortification session. However…

You don’t have to resolve in the same session

This is very important. Sometimes you’ll arrive at a stalemate—there won’t be clear next steps, or you won’t find a potential solution. That’s perfectly fine. Don’t get frustrated. You’d be amazed at the progress you can make by simply letting time do the work. Close the topic by acknowledging the progress. Say you want to continue thinking about it, and revisit during the next session.

Bonus points if you can explain your partner’s perspective back to them, and vice versa. That alone is a huge win: even if there’s no clear resolution at the moment, accurately understanding the challenge counts as serious progress.

NEVER get hostile

This is a hard boundary. Fortification sessions are not a time to fight: they’re a time to understand, discuss, and sometimes problem-solve. Understanding—and feeling understood—is really the secret sauce here. You’re going to feel emotions, some of them uncomfortable, but don’t let them affect the way you engage, and don’t get aggressive with your partner. Just notice the feelings and take a few calming breaths.

Take a break

If a discussion becomes too intense, try taking 5 minutes of silence, maybe in separate rooms. This is unlikely to happen if you honor the "no interruptions" rule, but if it does, pause to do some breathing, or whatever helps mellow you out. Reign in any emotions that aren’t going to be useful when you start up again. If you can’t continue, it’s okay to end the session early and take space. However…

End on a high note

The last topic should be something fun coming up that you plan on doing together: it might be as small as watching a show, or as big as a globe-trotting vacation. It’s important to queue this one up in advance too, since it can be hard to think of on the spot.

Alternatively, you can close by asking "how can I support you in the next week or so?" After a heavy or intense session, this might feel more natural.