Prep

Identify what you’d like to work on and how you want to communicate it.

Fitting anything new into your schedule can be tricky. If you live a typical modern life, you’re inundated with opportunities, obligations, delights, and distractions—endless ways that you could, should, might, or must spend your time.

So why add yet another thing?

The quality of your romantic relationship has such a strong impact on overall well-being. Carving out time to focus on your connection is well worth the effort. It’s a force multiplier that makes everything else in life more enjoyable.

Aside from the session itself, there is a bit of prep work involved in fortification. You have to consider how you'll communicate your concerns with both accuracy and compassion. That can take time, but it’s a crucial part of the equation. Why?

It comes down to emotions. Couples often try working through their challenges in the moment, when they’re still actively feeling the unpleasant emotion caused by the challenge—and that can be tough. While emotions are useful, they don’t always lend themselves to calm, well-reasoned problem-solving. With fortification, you separate the challenge from the emotion it’s causing. That separation lets you approach with a more neutral, solution-oriented mindset.

In this section, you’ll learn everything you need to set yourself up for fortification sessions, and maximize your and your partner’s chance of a smooth, productive conversation.

Block off time

We set aside an hour for each session, though they usually take less. It’s important that neither partner feels rushed. Time pressure makes it difficult to express yourself accurately, listen intently, and respond compassionately.

That said, establish an upper limit to keep the sessions sustainable. You don’t need to be super rigid with timing, but a rough limit also encourages you to focus on the topics that matter most. If a session runs for more than 60 minutes, find a natural stopping point, recap what you’ve covered, and establish where you’ll pick up next time.

Keep yourselves accountable by adding fortification to whatever life-organizing tool you use: put a recurring event in your calendar, use the reminders app on your phone, add it to your to-do list—anything will work, so long as it keeps you on schedule. It’s also worth considering what time of day is best for optimal communication (hint: it’s never right before bed).

Establish a regular cadence

Some couples prefer weekly, and that might be a good place to start. We’ve found that every two weeks works best for us. Sometimes plans come up that conflict with a scheduled session; other times one partner might not feel ready or engaged. In these cases, rescheduling can be wise: if someone is severely sleep-deprived or totally overwhelmed, then a calm, productive conversation about relationship challenges is going to be harder.

Try to plan ahead to avoid such circumstances, but acknowledge when you aren’t set up for success and pivot accordingly. It’s often better to wait than to force it, but we don’t recommend waiting longer than three weeks between sessions. Emotions build up, the list of topics grows, etc. Essentially: be consistent but flexible.

Queue up topics in advance

This is crucial.

Keep a running note on your phone with bullet points of things that you’d like to discuss, even if it’s just a few words to jog your memory (you can add and refine later on). Record things in the moment, when they come up. We call this the "Topic Queue."

It’s tempting to skip this step and think “Oh, I’ll remember when the time comes,” but our brains can only hold so much, and it can be surprisingly hard to remember details and examples on the spot.

Bonus: There’s a sense of relief that comes with adding a potential topic to your Topic Queue. It allows you to temporarily let go of the issue, so it doesn’t take up mental or emotional bandwidth. You’ve noted it. You’ll revisit when the time is right. Now you can go on with your day without worrying about it.

Note: Neither of us think you should ever be snooping through your partner’s phone. If you happen to use your partner's device for other reasons, be especially respectful of their privacy here—this should be a safe space for them to sketch out what they want to say and how they want to say it, and that might take some time and iteration. You shouldn’t learn about anything in the note until they’re ready to share it.

Have specific examples

When bringing up a challenge, generalities aren’t as useful, and are more easily dismissed. Concrete examples make it easier for your partner to understand what you’re talking about, so jot down a few in your queue. You don’t want to bombard them with a super-long list, just a few examples to illustrate the pattern.

Groom your Topic Queue

Before beginning a fortification session, go through your notes and assess your topics. Is what you had on your list still worth talking about? If it still has an emotional charge, or is part of a consistent pattern, it’s almost certainly worth raising. But if it was a minor issue, consider removing it to focus more on the stuff that really matters. We average around three or four topics each per session, but it really depends on their magnitude and complexity.

Note: Don’t just unload during the first session! If there are 20 different topics that you’ve been wanting to address, prioritize. Pick ~2 topics for the first session, and save the rest for later.

Find the right words

The language you choose will make a BIG difference. You don’t have to prepare word-for-word, but think about how you can accurately express your feelings, in a way that is sensitive to your partner’s. This is your pre-session homework, and one of the reasons why it’s important to write things down in advance.

Try to stay as neutral and objective as possible. If you convey your challenges with anger, condescension, or judgment, your partner’s defenses will go up. If they feel hurt, attacked, or annoyed, then they won’t process anything you’re saying. Voice your concerns in a way they can hear—and trust that if you word your challenges properly, they’ll want to hear and understand you.

Note: If you haven’t thought about how to communicate in advance, try setting aside a few minutes right before the session to work on your framing.

Note the circumstances

What else was going on in your partner’s life that might have influenced their actions? Work or school stress? Family challenges? Health issues? Back pain, hormonal fluctuations? Take those circumstances into consideration and note them in your Topic Queue so you can preface your challenge with them during the session. It’s a way of giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, which makes things much easier to work through.

But you don't want to assume anything, so ask. A rough template for this might look like the following: “Hey, I realize that you were dealing with [circumstance] last week. It seemed like you were [frustrated, anxious, depressed, nervous—take your best guess, then ask them]—were you?”

This lets you and your partner align on the context. Then you can approach the issue with greater understanding. “I see. Maybe that played a role, because I felt [whatever your feelings were] when you [insert the challenge].”

Identify your own contribution

Rarely are issues or disagreements entirely one person’s fault. As you prepare to speak about a challenge, note how you may have made things more difficult for your partner, or anything that you could have done better. Offer an apology if one is warranted, and allow your partner to receive it before launching straight into the concern (saying “I’m sorry I did this-BUT-YOU-DID-XYZ!” in the same breath doesn’t come across as very sincere).

Take note!

The two preceding tips—"Note the circumstances" and "Identify your own contribution"—are among the most powerful ones that we have to share. They show that you’ve tried to consider your partner’s perspective. Even if you’re slightly off the mark, noting external circumstances and identifying your own contributions can help lower your partner’s defenses, and open up the opportunity for dialogue. Think through them, and jot down your thoughts in your Topic Queue.

Prepare the positives

As you’ll learn in the next section, it’s important to start and end each session with something positive. At the beginning, you’ll share a bit of gratitude for your partner. When the session is finished, you’ll close with something that you’re looking forward to. Queuing these up in advance is critical, because they can be tough to think of after working through a series of challenges.