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Sustain

Celebrate the wins and commit to the next session. Fortification sessions can be tricky, but trust us: they become easier and more useful over time. Ensure you've read the "Prep," "Ground," and "Share" sections before continuing.

Finished a session? Well done! Many people don’t make it past talking about fortification. Among those who do try it, there’s inevitably a temptation not to continue: perhaps schedules get busier, or (most often) because of emotional discomfort or lack of perceived progress. So after trying a few sessions, people drop-off.
 

Ironically, just beyond that drop-off point is where the real payoff lies. Pushing past the desire to quit leads to a marked shift in the fortification dynamic: you’ll notice sessions become more natural and require less effort. Communication improves, increasing in both accuracy and compassion. You find the tone and vibe that works best for you as a couple. Progress becomes evident, and you might even begin looking forward to the sessions.

 

So remember: When you feel that urge to quit, take it as a signal that the "good stuff" is just around the corner. Persevere and reap the rewards!


To help sustain your momentum, this short section outlines a few simple follow-ups to tee up the next session, keep you motivated, and help you improve.

Congratulate yourselves!

After every session, take a moment to congratulate yourself and your partner. If you took the time to schedule and run a fortification session, you should be proud. Simply showing up for a fortification session is an achievement, regardless of the outcome. It illustrates a shared desire to put in the work and invest in your relationship. So take a moment to celebrate and pat each other on the back. 

Schedule or verify the next session

Hopefully you and your partner previously agreed to a regular cadence, and the next session is already in your calendar as a recurring event. If so, have a look to ensure the time still works, and reschedule if there’s a conflict. If you don’t have a recurring event, find an opening that works for both of you and get your next session in the calendar.

Point out progress

If you notice your partner making an effort to improve something discussed in fortification, call it out on the spot! You don’t need to wait until the next session—expressing gratitude in the moment is a great way to acknowledge your partner’s effort. 

 

Conversely, if you’re the one making the effort, feel free to point it out to your partner. Don’t be obnoxious about it, but it’s okay to take credit by saying something like “Hey, I would normally ______, but I’m trying to work on that based on what you shared during fortification.” 

Don't skip sessions

If things are going well and there really aren’t any challenges for either partner, still sit down at your regularly scheduled time to help build the habit. Use the session to reinforce the positive: recognize things your partner has done or is obviously working on. Verbalize your appreciation. 

Reflection and optional self-assessment

After running each session, it’s helpful to reflect on how you approached and what you could have done better. Before moving on with your day, take just a few moments to assess yourself on the three questions below, using a 1-5 scale (1 = Not well at all, 5 = Extremely well).

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Record the responses on a running phone note, perhaps near your Topic Queue. Importantly, this evaluation is for you only: don’t assess your partner on these questions, don’t share your responses with them, and don’t ask to see theirs. Just respond candidly and without judgement. 

 

It’s okay if you didn’t do your best. And if you think you completely aced all three categories, take a moment to reevaluate—are you being honest with yourself? Complete these questions accurately and consistently, and the responses will become a useful tool to identify patterns and opportunities to grow over time.

Self-Assessment Questions

How well did you:
 

  1. Prepare for the session? Did you…

    • Write down topics to discuss?

    • Consider how to communicate, to avoid triggering your partner? 

    • Acknowledge external circumstances and your own contributions?

  2. Listen and understand? Did you…

    • Let your partner speak without interrupting?

    • Get curious and ask clarifying questions? 

    • Really understand their point of view?

  3. Control your emotions? Did you…

    • Respond without being emotionally triggered?

    • Communicate kindly and compassionately?

    • Remain neutral and objective (communicating like an engineer?)
       

Closing thoughts

Well done! Now you know the basics of relationship fortification as we practice it. Nearly everyone who’s adopted this framework puts a custom spin on it, so explore ways to make it your own, find what works for you, and optimize accordingly. There are only a few non-negotiables, namely the “Session Guardrails.” 

 

We strongly recommend committing to at least four sessions. The first few are bound to be tough, but pay attention to the change over time: how much easier was #4 compared to #1? You’ll begin to understand your partner better, anticipate what they might be feeling, and why. Plus, since you’ve established an open line of communication, you’ll get fewer surprises, which makes things even easier. 

 

After trying a few sessions, you may even want to have a "meta-conversation" about them, discussing what’s working and what you might want to adjust.

 

Importantly, committing to regular fortification doesn’t mean you can’t raise issues in between sessions. If something really needs to be addressed in the moment, say it. Just try to approach the challenge with the same clear-headed and compassionate tone that you would use in a fortification session. 

 

Finally, seek external support when you need it. If you’re facing serious challenges and not seeing progress after multiple fortification sessions, consider working with a couple’s therapist. You don’t have to see them forever: when you’re feeling ready, you can reduce the frequency of therapy sessions, and try fortification again. Or even better, incorporate fortification in between your therapy sessions. 

 

Thank you for your interest in strengthening your connection—we hope fortification brings as much happiness and fulfillment to your relationship as it has to ours. Please don’t hesitate to get in touch if you have any questions.

Relationship Fortification

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