What could go wrong?

Knowing the most common patterns of struggle with fortification can help preempt them. We outline several below, but don’t let them scare you off. All of these responses are natural, but they’re conversational dead-ends. Let’s talk about each one and identify ways to move past them.

Bruised ego

Feeling insecure, inferior, embarrassed, ashamed, or inadequate is a common response to feedback. You’ll likely receive input about behaviors or patterns that you weren’t aware of, which can be surprising, and can sting a little.

Instead: Take a step back: your partner chose you because they saw plenty of other great qualities. Remember that whatever’s being shared is one piece of a bigger puzzle. Just because one thing isn’t perfect doesn’t mean you’re a bad partner. Yes, there’s something you could be doing better—maybe even a big thing. But does that mean you’re completely inadequate? Absolutely not.

Feeling attacked

It may feel like your partner is "out to get you," or airing a list of grievances just to make you feel bad. When this happens, the inclination is either to get defensive or to shut down.

Getting defensive: The temptation here is to make your partner feel just as bad as they made you feel. But how is that going to work? Obviously not well. This pattern is so predictable, it’s almost funny when you start noticing it: “You do this!” “But you do that!” “Well what about that one thing!”—stop the spiral. Don’t try to hurt your partner just because they made you feel bad.

Instead: Assume positive intent, and have some compassion for your partner. When giving feedback, they won’t always get it right (nor will you!). They might say something that comes across as hurtful or insensitive. You can politely point that out—but don’t let it escalate. Assume they didn’t intend to be hurtful, and avoid counterattacking. Stick to “I” statements (“I feel…”) rather than “you” statements like the ones above, which tend to be confrontational or accusatory.

Shutting down: Maybe you’re less confrontational and instead you just freeze up. Your mind goes blank; you have nothing to say. This is also a common response, though not very conducive to progress.

Instead: Simply acknowledge what your partner said. One easy way is to slowly repeat back what you heard. After that, if you’re still feeling stuck, you can tell them that you’re still processing, and need a minute or two to gather your thoughts (we’ll talk more about being comfortable with silence later on).

Denying the problem

If your partner goes out on a limb to share a personal and meaningful struggle, denying or downplaying the problem will almost certainly be hurtful. It completely shuts down the possibility of improving—and that’s why you’re practicing fortification sessions in the first place.

Instead:

Acknowledge their experience. Even if you find it inaccurate, overblown, unjustified—you have to recognize that that’s your partner’s reality.
Be honest about what’s going through your head. If you say it with kindness and sincerity, it’s all right to respond with something like “This is pretty surprising to me” or “I’m struggling to understand why this is a challenge for you.” But don’t stop there: get curious. Ask follow-up questions to build your understanding and get to the root of it. The goal is to clearly imagine how the situation or behavior triggered your partner, even (and especially) if it wouldn’t have triggered you.

Resisting change

Perhaps you know there’s an issue, but it feels insurmountable: it’s too big, too complicated, or too deeply ingrained. There might be this feeling of “Well, that’s how I’ve always been” or “This was never an issue before!” (maybe not to you, but your partner has probably been experiencing it for a while).