Ground
Get ready to receive feedback. Learn about common challenges so you can minimize or avoid them. Ensure you've read the "Prep" section before continuing.
Suppose you’ve completed the prep work: you know what you’d like to communicate to your partner, and have a rough sense of how you’re going to communicate. You’re ready to dive into a fortification session, right? Not so fast!
Most of this framework is about giving feedback so that it lands easily for your partner. But there’s an important precursor: how to receive feedback. After all, it’s a two-way street. Taking steps to ground yourself and establish an open mindset will make for a calmer, more productive session.
“I don’t do that!”
“You think that’s a problem?”
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“That’s ridiculous."
The thoughts above might cross your mind when your partner shares feedback, and they’re perfectly normal—but the trick is not to verbalize them right away. The first thought that comes to mind is rarely the most useful.
Your ability to remain open and engaged to your partner’s feedback is a crucial part of the equation. And it won’t always be easy. You must be willing to be a little uncomfortable. If you’re terrified of criticism or protecting your ego at any cost, you won’t get very far with fortification.
What could go wrong?
Knowing the most common patterns of struggle can help preempt them. Bruised ego, feeling attacked, denying the problem, and resisting change are all potential difficulties. Simply being aware of them is helpful—if you'd like more detail and tips on how to handle each one, visit the "What could go wrong?" page.
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We outline several below, but don’t let them scare you off. All of these responses are natural, but they’re conversational dead-ends. Let’s talk about each one and identify ways to move past them.
Getting ready for feedback
Here are a few pointers to help mentally prepare for your session.
Feel the feelings
Awareness of aforementioned difficulties reduces the likelihood of them interfering with a productive session. But to be abundantly clear: we’re not saying you shouldn’t have an emotional reaction. Feel the feelings! You’ll often use fortification to navigate very personal and very tricky topics. It’s natural to feel strong emotions—the trick is not letting them hijack the conversation. Just take a moment, breath, and think before you respond.
Get the vibe right
Imagine how you’d respond to feedback if you had an audience, and were demonstrating how to effectively resolve a relationship issue. Let that inform the tone of your conversation, and shape the way you express yourself. Alternatively, think of someone whose emotional intelligence and self-control you really admire: how would they express themselves?
Remember: feedback is a gift
While the feedback might occasionally be hard to hear, somewhere in your partner’s words is the key to improving your relationship, and that truly is a gift. Without it, you risk pent up frustration and an eventual eruption of feelings. Feedback is the path to stronger partnership.
Moreover, feedback can help you improve yourself as an individual. It often helps identify blind spots: habits or behaviors that negatively affect other people without your knowing (we all have ‘em). Identifying these blind spots is an important part of your own personal growth.
Opening the session
Ensure your session starts off on the right foot.
Find the right setting
You should be in a place that feels comfortable and quiet, where you won’t be disturbed. Using the same spot for each session can help establish familiarity and safety (for us, it’s our living room couch). Don’t do it in public. If you have kids that are old enough to fend for themselves, ask them not to disturb you for an hour unless there’s a real emergency. Try to schedule your sessions at a time when they’re usually occupied.
Initiate with intention
Start with a grounding exercise or opening tradition of some kind: a big ol’ hug, a quick meditation, five deep breaths, or a cup of herbal tea. Consider avoiding coffee or anything caffeinated that might overstimulate and make you less calm. Alcohol or other substances that affect judgment or emotional regulation should also be avoided. But find something that creates a separation from everyday life and your session. Five deep breaths is our favorite, in through the nose, out through the mouth.