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Ground

Get ready to receive feedback. Learn about common challenges so you can minimize or avoid them. Ensure you've read the "Prepsection before continuing.

Suppose you’ve completed the prep work: you know what you’d like to communicate to your partner, and have a rough sense of how you’re going to communicate. You’re ready to dive into a fortification session, right? Not so fast!

Most of this framework is about giving feedback so that it lands easily for your partner. But there’s an important precursor: how to receive feedback. After all, it’s a two-way street. Taking steps to ground yourself and establish an open mindset will make for a calmer, more productive session.

“I don’t do that!”

 

“You think that’s a problem?”

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“That’s ridiculous."

The thoughts above might cross your mind when your partner shares feedback, and they’re perfectly normal—but the trick is not to verbalize them right away. The first thought that comes to mind is rarely the most useful.

 

Your ability to remain open and engaged to your partner’s feedback is a crucial part of the equation. And it won’t always be easy. You must be willing to be a little uncomfortable. If you’re terrified of criticism or protecting your ego at any cost, you won’t get very far with fortification. 

What could go wrong?

Knowing the most common patterns of struggle can help preempt them. We outline several below, but don’t let them scare you off. All of these responses are natural, but they’re conversational dead-ends. Let’s talk about each one and identify ways to move past them. 

Bruised ego

Feeling insecure, inferior, embarrassed, ashamed, or inadequate is a common response to feedback. You’ll likely receive input about behaviors or patterns that you weren’t aware of, which can be surprising, and can sting a little.

Instead: Take a step back: your partner chose you because they saw plenty of other great qualities. Remember that whatever’s being shared is one piece of a bigger puzzle. Just because one thing isn’t perfect doesn’t mean you’re a bad partner. Yes, there’s something you could be doing better—maybe even a big thing. But does that mean you’re completely inadequate? Absolutely not.

Feeling attacked

It may feel like your partner is "out to get you," or airing a list of grievances just to make you feel bad. When this happens, the inclination is either to get defensive or to shut down. 

 

  • Getting defensive: The temptation here is to make your partner feel just as bad as they made you feel. But how is that going to work? Obviously not well. This pattern is so predictable, it’s almost funny when you start noticing it: “You do this!” “But you do that!” “Well what about that one thing!”—stop the spiral. Don’t try to hurt your partner just because they made you feel bad.

    Instead: Assume positive intent, and have some compassion for your partner. When giving feedback, they won’t always get it right (nor will you!). They might say something that comes across as hurtful or insensitive. You can politely point that out—but don’t let it escalate. Assume they didn’t intend to be hurtful, and avoid counterattacking. Stick to “I” statements (“I feel…”) rather than “you” statements like the ones above, which tend to be confrontational or accusatory. 

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  • Shutting down: Maybe you’re less confrontational and instead you just freeze up. Your mind goes blank; you have nothing to say. This is also a common response, though not very conducive to progress.

    Instead: Simply acknowledge what your partner said. One easy way is to slowly repeat back what you heard. After that, if you’re still feeling stuck, you can tell them that you’re still processing, and need a minute or two to gather your thoughts (we’ll talk more about being comfortable with silence later on). 

Denying the problem

If your partner goes out on a limb to share a personal and meaningful struggle, denying or downplaying the problem will almost certainly be hurtful. It completely shuts down the possibility of improving—and that’s why you’re practicing fortification sessions in the first place.

 

Instead:

  • Acknowledge their experience. Even if you find it inaccurate, overblown, unjustified—you have to recognize that that’s your partner’s reality.
     

  • Be honest about what’s going through your head. If you say it with kindness and sincerity, it’s all right to respond with something like “This is pretty surprising to me” or “I’m struggling to understand why this is a challenge for you.” But don’t stop there: get curious. Ask follow-up questions to build your understanding and get to the root of it. The goal is to clearly imagine how the situation or behavior triggered your partner, even (and especially) if it wouldn’t have triggered you.

Resisting change

Perhaps you know there’s an issue, but it feels insurmountable: it’s too big, too complicated, or too deeply ingrained. There might be this feeling of “Well, that’s how I’ve always been” or “This was never an issue before!” (maybe not to you, but your partner has probably been experiencing it for a while).

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Instead:

  • Accept that you’ll have to do something differently, which will take effort—that’s why people say “we’re working on our relationship.”  If you want your partner to make improvements, you have to as well.
     

  • Identify small steps in the right direction. Change doesn’t have to happen overnight. Try to come up with an attainable action that you can offer right away, while acknowledging the additional work required in the future. For example, if your partner expressed concern about your lack of physical activity, don't commit to five days per week at the gym—start with a day or two of light exercise.
     

  • Trust that what goes around comes around: if your partner sees you actively trying to address their concerns, they’re far more likely to do the same.

Tips for receiving feedback

Here are a few more pointers to help prepare for your session.

Feel the feelings

Awareness of the preceding challenges reduces the likelihood of them interfering with a productive session. But to be abundantly clear: we’re not saying you shouldn’t have an emotional reaction. Feel the feelings! You’ll often use fortification to navigate very personal and very tricky topics. It’s natural to feel strong emotions—the trick is not letting them hijack the conversation. Just take a moment, breath, and think before you respond. 

Get the vibe right

Imagine how you’d express yourself if you had an audience, and were demonstrating how to effectively resolve a relationship issue. Let that inform the tone and energy of your conversation. Alternatively, think of someone whose emotional intelligence and self-control you really admire: how would they express themselves? 

 

Feeling brave? Film one of your sessions! (But probably not the first session). Watch even one topic or exchange. Pay attention to your and your partners’ facial expressions. The words you choose. Your body language. What are you communicating without necessarily saying anything?

Breathe

If fortification is a secret weapon, then calm, controlled breathing is the safety switch.* Conscious breathing really helps avoid defensive or reactive interactions.

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Before responding to difficult feedback, we recommend taking three biiiiig, long, relaxed breaths. Is it slightly awkward to pause and take three big breaths? Yes. Does it disrupt the flow of the conversation? A little bit—and that’s the point. It acts as a mini-reset for your mind. As you’re breathing: think about the breath, not about your response. You may also want to be transparent and tell your partner that you’re taking a few breaths to help center yourself—it can be easy to misconstrue big breaths as sarcastic sighs.

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*Breath in through the nose, out through the mouth. Keep your exhales longer than your inhales. Both of these things activate your parasympathetic nervous system, which makes you feel calmer and more relaxed. You can also try the “physiological sigh”—a long, slow inhale followed by another short, quick inhale, then a long, slow exhale. See this video for a demonstration. 

Questions are your friend

Whenever you’re feeling challenged, asking sincere questions to better understand your partner’s perspective is always a safe bet. Perhaps they shared one thing, but the real issue is something else, lurking below the surface. You won’t know until you dig deeper. Do some detective work. If nothing else, questions give you more time to process before you offer a response. Try something as simple as “Can you tell me more?”

Remember: feedback is a gift

While the feedback might occasionally be hard to hear, somewhere in your partner’s words is the key to improving your relationship, and that truly is a gift. Without it, you risk pent up frustration and an eventual eruption of feelings. Feedback is the path to stronger partnership. 

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Moreover, feedback can help you improve yourself as an individual. It often helps identify blind spots: habits or behaviors that negatively affect other people without your knowing (we all have ‘em). Identifying these blind spots is an important part of your own personal growth. 

Relationship Fortification

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